The Way Back - Movie No. 7

The Way Back

Director: Peter Weir
Starring: Jim Sturgess, Ed Harris and Colin Farrell
Year: 2010
Watched: 6/1/11

What the fudge is it?

A not so merry band of Siberian gulag escapees go for a massive trek over 4000 miles to India with not a Burger King or Little Chef in sight.

What i thought...

I don't like the idea of walking to the local shop let alone from siberia to india.

The way back or as it should be titled the very fucking long way back tells the story of a group of escapees and their journey as they flee a gulag labour camp. The film introduces us to Janusz (Sturgess) during his interrogation. We see him wrongly imprisoned and follow his journey to freedom.

Mark strong makes a short but memorable appearance, like most of his performances he is great and its just a shame that he wasn't in it for longer. Looking back the character has no real impact on the story but to serve as a warning to Janusz.

Sturgess is great and to be honest i didn't even recognize him. I rather stupidly assumed he was some good foreign actor not the guy from 21 and across the universe. He handles the accent and dialog perfectly and is the driving force behind the film.

Although Sturgess is fantastic for me the show belongs to Ed Harris and Colin Farrell. Farrell plays the what could best be described as the fucked up, drunk, sadistic Russian. i'm pretty sure thats what they wrote in the script. Much of the conflict and distrust within the group of runaways come from Farrells character. In my eyes the guy can do no wrong just like London "Cockney Monkey" Boulevard and Ondine he shows another side to himself. The accent works and the bastard has the craziest look in his eyes the whole way, the look id imagine Farrell used to dawn when on a bender.

Ed Harris plays the worn down american pilgrim, within the prison he portrayed the strong experienced prisioner who kept his head down and knew how to survive. On the outside we see an old weathered man, Harris has a face that resembles a desert this is not a bad thing as the toil and fatigue of the journey is perfectly represented by Harris. Mr Smith (Ed Harris) was the one character that i really cared about. Much like the main character in the Road he flicks between being a strong survivalist and needing the help of others.

With very little time spent on the actual escaping the majority of the film plays out like a road more of the more bleak nature. More like the road than sex drive or road trip. We see the group progress across the cruel landscape surviving on next to nothing.

Along the way the group encounter Saoirse Ronans character who acts as a nice in between the males of the group. It is through the young girl that we find out more about the group. The relationship between Irena and the pilgrim (Ed Harris) character is one of the most interesting of the film and the two are fantastic on screen together.

If the film has one major downfall its that you very rarely feel worried for the group. This is not to say that people dont die, the fantastic looking shots of landscapes and scenery distance us from the people. The group seem to go from one cliche event to the next and the dread of death never seems to really sink in. Maybe i am a cold bastard but i sat and thought "wow this is impressive" instead of "fuck i hope they all make it".

This review is wandering and rambling along like the movie. I definitely enjoyed it but it is slow in parts and a lot to watch. Everything looks brilliant and it has some fantastic performance from Colin Farrell, Ed Harris and Jim Sturgess


Overall
Good to watch for just the once me thinks! Some great performance with Colin Farrell and Ed Harris standing out. The film seems to plod from cliche to cliche and never really grips you in or makes you feel completely worried for the characters.

3.5/5

127 Hours - Movie No. 6

127 Hours

Director: Danny Boyle

Starring: James Franco , Massive Rock

Year: 2010

Watched: 5/1/11

What the fudge is it?

127 hours is the true story of Aron Ralstons. While canyoneering on his own he gets trapped under a boulder. With his arm trapped Aron spends the next 5 days trying to find a way free. With water and food running out Aron resorts to desperate measures. James Franco Vs. Big Rock! FIGHT!

What I Thought...

Before i begin i just wanted to write that i didn't understand the hype surrounding Slumdog Millionaire. Sure it was a good film but for me it wasn't as good as 28 days later, trainspotting or even the beach. Yeah i enjoyed the beach!

I think everyone will find i hard to walk into this film and not know of the outcome. Its just one of those films.....going into Titanic i had a fair idea that the big boat was gonna go down. So with 127 hours i knew the ending i was more interested in how we were going to get there and if the horrible incident would be as horrible as everyone was making out.

The film opens with a trade mark Danny Boylefest of colours and music, the editing is great, fast paced and exciting to watch. We see Arin get ready for a weekend away canyoneering together with shots of busy streets. It almost has a comic book feel with the split screen effect.

We see Arin start his adventure on bikes before wiping out.....what does he do? Takes a picture of course. This is the type of character we are dealing with....to be honest a douche! The type of guy you meet at a party, after listening to how extreme and awesome his adventures are and how many chicks he pulls. After walking away from the party you think "what a tit!" or something like "Hope he gets stuck under a boulder!". Naa you would say that but you would think eventually his cockyness will catch up with him and......it does.

James Franco is fantastic, i think he is great and has the ability to handle stoner humor or more serious roles. We see Arin go from a cocky and often annoying prat to a vulnerable, weak and regret filled human being. Once stuck under the big bad rock Arin uses his video camera to document himself. It is through the camera that we see Franco properly show off. The cock annoying cheese is worn away and we just see a regular guy that is stuck with a big ass rock on his arm!

As starvation and dehydration sets in we see Arin have visions and dreams, the mixture of flashbacks and hallucinations show the regrets and hopes of the douche trapped under the rock. Some of these are done brilliant and resemble scenes from trainspotting and the beach.

Its a hard subject, how do you make a man stuck in one place interesting. Buried managed to do it by having external phone call but for Arin there are not many external forces to move the story along everything the story involves is stuck in the same hole. The film just about manages to keep the pace up throughout. Between the serious moments we get little flashes of humor.

When the gruesome scene eventually arrives it is handled very well. The act is quick and frenzied. The effects look realistic and the camera dwells more on the expression and actions of Arin rather than the chopped off arm. The film reminded me alot of Alive, most of the frenzy surrounding the film involves an act which the director doesn't see as the focus.

What we see instead of a dude chopping off his arm is the story of a character being pushed to the edge and the determination and guts required to survive. Behind all the cockyness is a normal man with regrets, hope and fears and Danny Boyle focuses on this instead of making "the buthers guide to arm removal".

Overall

Brilliantly made and great to watch. A fantastic story about how far someone will go to survive. Great performance from James Franco and Danny Boyle shows he can make a great film about a dude stuck under a rock.

4/5

Bride Wars - Movie No. 5

Bride Wars

Director: The Devil

Starring: The Devil

Year: 666 (2009)

Watched: 4/1/11

What the fudge is it?

Two obviously unhinged crazy bitches become even more crazy when their weddings fall on the same day. Its every unfunny bride for themselves as the brides go about sabotaging eachothers weddings. Cue audience puking and eye gouging!

What i Thought...

I am a massive Mark Kermode fan. I listen to the podcast weekly and i am in the middle of reading his book. Now what i like about Kermode is i dont always agree with him, loads of films i love he slates and loads he enjoys (twilight) i cant stand. Now Mark Kermode declared this one of the worst films of the year and possibly ever! I just had to watch it!

I sat down to watch Bride Wars thinking......

"It isnt as bad as Kermode made out"

"I bet is decent enough"

"Worst come to the worst Anne Hathaway will keep me entertained"

Licking poop off a public toilet seat while doing an Irish essay would have been more entertaining than this film! And before anyone thinks of a witty response to that i hate licking poop and Irish! So far i think i have kept the swearing and insulting to a minimum, i am now sorry as this film may have woken the sleeping C*$T within me.

I dont think the idea itself is to blame. Everyone know that Brides can get a little crazy trying to organise the perfect day. Wedding humor has been done loads before and worked (four weddings and a funeral, my best friends wedding, the wedding singer, father of the bride)

I'm sorry but even the wedding planner and bride of Chucky were passable. I take that back Bride of Chucky is the Citizen Kane of the wedding genre compared to Bride Wars! Chucky would take the Oscar for best performance in a wedding themed comedy over Hudson and Hathaway any day.

I like Anne Hathaway and i like Kate Hudson. Should i blame them for the torture that was watching this film? i dont know....Should i blame the director? i dont know.....Writers?.....i dont know.

It is hard to find the words to describe how bad this film is. I can take bad. Bad with some ok joke is still watchable. This is just lazy and boring and immature. Not immature in a Jackass way just in the way when a little shit head of a kid does something immature you just shake your head and cant even come up with a response. That level of immaturity that only provokes disappointment and pity!

The film plays out with the two stupid bitches trying to one up each other and secure the hotel, cake, etc, etc for their big day. The pranks between the two are just terrible. Kate Hudson messes with Anne Hathaways tan resulting in her looking like a massive umpa lumpa while Hathaway sends Hudson chocolate and cake so she will get fat and not fit into her vera wang! Chocolate, Cake and fake tan!!! thats fucking it!! Kevin McCallister would laugh his ass off at the shit attempts of these ladies!

Then there is the dialogue in this big ball of pants. The dialogue could have been written by a 12 year old girl on a mobile phone. One scene sees the two throwing insults at eachother:

"Your wedding can suck it"

"If i were your wedding, I'd be sleeping with one eye open..."

"Your wedding is gonna be huge, like your ass at prom"

Thats the level of comedy and intelligence in this film! Total turd! At least a turd brings with it relief! Avoid this film like the plague. It has nothing to offer, terrible performances, terrible comedy actually no comedy.

Now anyone who likes this film. Take a long hard look at yourself because you are wrong. I know everyone has their own opinion and i am wrong about so many things but this time i am right. if you like this film you need help! real help! because what you think is funny and entertaining is torture! and that is sick. People who like hostel and saw are beautiful people compared to you. Don't try and argue because you are wrong! Wise up and get help!

Overall

The devil is present in this film! Evil shite of the worst kind!

-5/5

John Tucker Must Die - Movie No. 4

John Tucker Must Die

Director: Betty Thomas

Starring: Jesse Metcalfe, Ashanti and Arielle Kebbel

Year: 2006

Watched: 4/1/11

What the fudge is it?

John tucker is a sexy, tanned, sexy, tanned, sexy sexy jock who loves nothing more than having loads of girlfriends. Three of his ex girlfriends team up with the new girl to break the bastards heart. All kinds of man hating madness ensues!! Hooray for women!! Death to all men!!

What I Thought...

With my balls and reputation firmly checked at the door i sat down to watch John Tucker Must Die or as i would like to call it DEATH TO ALL MEN!!

Set in a highschool which only seems to have basketball players, cheerleaders, vegans and sluts we find John Tucker or as he should be referred to Male Fucker! John is playing more ladies than games of basketball before he finally gets caught. The film has a fantastic heart warming message showing us that wronged women can find hope, friendship and forgiveness in each other.

Naa it shows us that if it is anything that will bring women together it is the hatred of a man! a dirty man! with his good looks and testosterone!! God men are pricks!!

The film has a few decent gags one of which includes the witches replacing Johns bulk up supplements with female hormones. The result isnt as funny as Kevin Nash in the longest yard but i did chuckle. The film plays out like almost every other teen comedy with the edgy alternative love interest getting shunned until the final reel. The new girl in town is stunning and unpopular before she gets reinvented and then suddenly everyone notices that this girl is hot! How stupid and annoying freddy prince did this ages ago!! The man was ahead of the game!

Totally predictable the whole way. Im not gonna lie...the women in the film were really hot although i am not buying sophia bush as a vegan who happens to be a slut. Why the hell is the character a vegan?!? I swear this is something to do with equality and diversity because it doesnt factor into the story at all. She does however lose a skirt and have a lesbian kiss all in 10 minutes!

Admittedly it wasn't good but it wasn't the worst of its kind. A few laughs and enough eye candy to keep any man who has to watch it. i had expected a disaster, the balance between love stories and comedy is done much better in films like 10 things i hate about you.

Overall

I am ashamed i watched it and didnt hate it. Not an origional film and not an overly funny one. Bit ironic that the shallow slutty male side of me kept my interest in the film as that is the thing it tried so hard to achieve revenge on. Soundtrack is pretty good and Jesse Mercalfe showed he can play a hot womaniser which is totally different from his role on desperate housewives of the hot gardener. Great to see Jenny Mac Carthy in anything, she plays the unpopular girls hot cougar mom who has had a bad run of boyfriends (as if that would happen! Im look at you Jim Carrey!!)

(Is there a need for a picture of Jenny McCarthy? Hell yes!!)

Remember....Horray for Women! Death to all men!!

2/5

Stuart: A Life Backwards - Movie No. 3

Stuart: A Life Backwards

Director: David Attwood

Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hardy and Nicola Duffett

Year: 2007

Watched: 3/1/11

What the fudge is it?

The story of an author (Alexander) who befriends a homeless man named Stuart. As the two become closer Alexander begins to write a book based on the traumatic life of Stuart. As Stuart recalls the events of his life we begin to learn how and why he got so out of control.

What I Thought...

I was given this film to watch at least over a year ago and like the stubborn lazy shite i am I didnt watch it. The poor homeless mans story lay on the DVD shelf. It then found a home in another house where it stayed on the DVD shelf and finally moved to our new place where it lay on the shelf again. Thank god for the blog because now I have finally watched it and can avoid Matt (the owner of the DVD) asking me have i watched it yet.

The reason it took me so long to watch it was i knew for a fact it was going to be a little depressing. You can make a film about a homeless, alco, smackhead without it being depressing. I was right....but not totally.

The main reason i was given the film to watch was because i think Tom Hardy is a fantastic actor. I even liked him in Star Trek and i hate Star Trek. If there is a Trekkie reading this first off i hope i am spelling trekkie wrong to annoy you and secondly i dont like the show or the films really, bit boring and bit pants.

I was talking about Tom Hardy.....Tom Hardy plays Stuart, a homeless wreck who stumbles his way into a friendship with Alexander. Hardy is the source of all the humour and tragedy of this film. Anyone who has spoken to an alcoholic/homeless/drug user will instantly recognize how good Hardy is at playing the part. (I lived in Boro, don't question my interactions with the afore mentioned)

Hardy has the walk, talk and gestures of a wreck of a human and is fantastic to watch. For the majority of the film we see Stuart interact with Alexander (Benedict Cumberbatch). The scenes with the two are either ackward, sad or funny. Stuart decides to cook for Alexander (deep fried bacon sandwich followed but Corn beef curry) the whole scenes provides some valued comic relief.

It is hard for me to review this because I like making jokes and taking the piss but its not really something i can laugh about. The film is made for TV but looks and feels surprisingly good, by that i mean it doesn't look like something that has been filmed on a hand held camera. The lighting is not that of a movies for me feature either.

Although Hardy is brilliant the character often speaks so jarbled that you simply cant understand him. i know this is realistic but it is slightly annoying. The DVD didn't have subtitles so i just had to guess what he said. There are small sections when Stuart speaks in a very intelligent way and resembles the swagger of Jack Sparrow, these although they may be true just stuck out like a sore thumb.

The structure of the film keeps you guessing for the majority of what exactly happened Stuart during his childhood although the big reveal is not delivered as well as some of the other key moments. The majority of the film is great and i really enjoyed it.....

I do have one major complaint. Something that really grinded my gears. There are sections of the film with short animations. These may have been included to show a more childish/innocent side of the story or even to try and lighten the mood of the piece. For me they stuck out and just broke the mood of the film. The animation itself was ok but just didnt sit in with the film. I remember watching the body shocks documentary called the man who ate his lover. This included little sections of animation that were perfect for the mood of the show. They were just freaky and creeped me out. I think the idea behind the animations in Stuart: A life backwards was similar but it seems to fail. Not only do the animations not suit the film but they are used so sparatically they almost seem to belong to another film.

Overall

Really enjoyed the film. Tom Hardy is brilliant as always and the story is interesting, sad and even slightly uplifting at times. Suffers some a strange collection of animations that don't suit the movie.

4/5

For anyone interested in the man who ate his lover the link is here.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale - Movie No. 2

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Director: Jalmari Helander

Starring: Jorma Tommila, Onni Tommila and Peeter Jakobi

Year: 2010

Watched: 1/1/11

What the fudge is it?

Deep beneath a mountain in Finland Santa is buried (not like Ryan Reynolds) in a block of ice. A corporation sends a team of archaeologists to dig up the jolly old bastard. This is not the Coca-cola Santa....before you know it children start disappearing and all kinds of weird stuff begins to happen. A local group of hunters decide to take Santa hostage and sell him back to the corporation who began the dig but the Elves are not happy....

What i thought...

The movie acts as a prequel to 2 YouTube shorts, Rare exports and The Official Rare Exports inc Safety instructions. I decided to avoid the YouTube shorts until after seeing the video and i would recommend everyone to do the same.

So a horror film about Santa....you would think this could be dodgy, Jack Frost springs to mind. Anyone who has seen Jack Frost will remember the bath rape scene in which Jack Frost melts into the bath before becoming "Solid" again and having his way with the poor girl. Incase you havent seen it i have chucked it in here...Enjoy.

Do not worry Rare exports does not follow the same trashy road and is fantastic!

The film takes us to Finland in the days building up to Christmas. We learn of a corporations plan to big up the jolly big lad in time for Christmas. But something goes wrong....the dig team disappears, raindeer are found slaughtered and kids start going missing. One person seems to know what is going on. Pietari the son of one of the reindeer hunters has done his research and he knows that Santa is not a nice lad.

The whole film has a tense snowy feel to it which reminded of alot of the thing and let the right one in. There are few jumps but the scenes in which we see the group of hunters interrogate their captured santa are great. The tension and horror is spliced with dark humor throughout and the balance is spot on, i am still not sure if i watched a horror or a dark comedy. It did remind me of Gremlins which I love and would count it as one of my favorite Christmas films.

The film messes with the traditional view of Santa and mythology. Everything is given a dark twist and the main kid in the story even states the this "Is not the Coca-Cola Santa" that we all know and love. The idea of an old fat dude sneaking into your house no longer seems like a good thing. There are so many nice little touches and jokes throughout such as the pamphlet handed out to workers at the archeological dig to ensure that they all stay on the nice list and avoid pissing off the big man himself.

Pietari is without a doubt the star of the show, played by Omni Tomilla he is fantastic and offers alot of the comic relief.

Don't be fooled by his love for gingerbread. The man is hard as nails.

Everything about the little guys performance is great one minute he makes you feel sorry for him and his distant relationship with his dad. The next minute he has you laughing because he has taped padding to his ass incase Santa spanks him. in the final third of the film the little man turns into what can only be described as a tiny John McClane.

Overall:

If your a bit weird and count Gremlins or god forbid Jack Frost among your favorite Christmas films then this one is definitely for you. Thought it was great from start to finish. Still feels like a quirky dark short but with hoards of evil elves and a big ass Santa! As soon as you finish watching it get online and enjoy the shorts.

5/5

Links to YouTube shorts.

Rare Exports Inc.

Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions

The American - Movie no. 1

The American

Director: Anton Corbijn

Starring: George Clooney, Paolo Bonacelli and Violante Placido.

Year: 2010

Watched: 1/1/11

What the fudge is it?

Jack (George Clooney) is a Gun Smith/Hitman/Sex addict who specializes in manufacturing specialist guns (yes i used specialist more or less twice in a sentence but if you dont like it george clooney will pop a cap in you). After an assignment ends badly Jack contacts his employer and is directed to a secluded Italian town. Here he undertakes his last assignment and gets himself in all kinds of sexy spy trouble.

What i thought...

OK so its based on a book by Martin Booth titled A Very Private Gentleman. In the book he is English in the film guess what? he is american. i am not going to review the book or compare the film to it.

The film opens by showing us the reason Jack (Clooney) has to move location, to put it short something goes tits up and ole Georgie has to get a bit hardcore. A quick phone call to his contact and george is on his way to a small italian town.

His contact played by looks like a weathered Daniel Craig. Like Daniel in bond 49: Goldzimmer. Once relocated Jack is ready to undertake his final assignment. There is alot of farting about in the form of showing off the location, sipping coffee, chatting to a priest and visiting hookers. Ohh i forgot to mention the town in which ole georgie boy shack up in not only has the most suspicious dark alleyways but is also inhabitated by the most gorgeous selection of hookers on the planet.

The first 2/3 of the film plod along very slowly with small interludes of action. The most exciting scenes are those in which the gun is being assembled and tested. I could have easily watched George Clooney source, construct and test the entire catalogiue of weapons from the Call of duty series.

The rest of the time is spent between falling in love with a hooker and listening to an old priest babble on, one of these relationships is interesting and its the one without the robes.

Clooney is great! Georgie shows he can play a darker character who doesn't find the need to speak fast or act charming all the time. This guy is the opposite to ocean, he has obviously been around along time and done alot of bad things.

The character of Jack becomes more and more paranoid with the town and its inhabitants which culminates in a chase scene through those dodgy little streets.

I said the film was slow paced and i think this is summed up in the chase scene. Now a bond chase scene will involve sports cars that can slide on ice while making toast and giving 007 an old fashioned. The chase scene in the american consists of A Moped and a Fiat!

This sums up the film. The trailer would have you believe this is Bourne meets Bond mixed with the saint. it is far from it. The majority of the film is spent admiring the landscape, exploring Clooney's character and making a cool gun.

The final third of the film does however pick up pace as all the paranoia and preparation come together to create a tense finale.

Overall:

Really enjoyed it, Although a little slow at times Clooney's performance kept me interested throughout. It lack any real actions and is not 007 but more double OAP, its a slow paced thriller which focuses on the little details rather than blowing shit up. Great performances all round and the whole film looks great! Well worth a watch. 3/5