Megamind - Movie No. 15

Megamind

Director: Tom McGrath
Starring: Will Ferrell, Jonah Hill and Brad Pitt
Year: 2010
Watched: 15/1/11

What the fudge is it?

Will Farrell voices a big blue super villain called Megamind. Megamind has been locked in battle against Metro Man for years. After he finally beats the handsome superhero (pitt) he finds himself will less to do than an unemployed dol rat. With no sign on days to occupy him Megamind becomes bored and creates his own hero to fight against.

What I thought...

I am very skeptical about 3D animation. Could be because i am a nerd that teaches a load of animation or maybe it is that i feel animation not something to be treated like the silly dumb kid that can only make fart jokes. 3D Animation is just another type of film. I don't think we should look down on animation or complain if it is nominated for best film. Look at anything made by pixar or studio ghibli and you will see a collection of films that are miles better, gripping, acted and moving than a lot of the live action films in cinemas today. So i sit down to watch animated films with the same view as i approach a film full of living breathing humans. I do get worried because of the shite that is produced......the skreks of the world have me worried every time a new animation comes along without the name of pixar attached to it.


There are some good gags and the animation is great with some lovely lighting effects. In fact the film has all the polish and shine we expect from animation today. Only a few things are missing..... character depth, decent music and a heart.

With Mega Mind we get a Shrek like approach to the super hero movies as seems to be the fashion these days (kickass etc). By Shrek like approach i mean its played down very dumb and basically spelt out in plain English to us. Megamind is a big blue super villain who has been battling against Metroman for years. When he finally defeats him what the fudge will he do next? With Metro man gone Megamind becomes bored and wants someone to do battle with. Cue Hal Stewart (Jonah Hill) a slobby loser who has no luck with the ladies. Mega mind decides to give him super powers and train him to be his new nemesis. How does he train him? By posing as a Marlon Brandoesque character from superman. The Jor-El gag is one of the best in the movie, the character animation and voice acting for the little tubby superdad is great. Again though it is a cheap joke.

As i said above i had a right little chuckle to loads of bits in the film, but they were cheap gags. I thought Farrells voice acting didn't suit the animation, a lot of it sounded too ad lib which unless done brilliantly just doesn't work for animation. The difference between this and a pixar film is the gags feel well placed in a pixar movie and everything comes together nicely. Timing, character animation, voice acting it all needs to punch at the same time. Mega mind feels a little messed up in parts. It almost feels like Farrell just said what he wanted and some poor animator just did his best with it. Jonah Hills character for me worked much better....the facial movements and nervous body gestures fitted the voice acting and i really enjoyed all his characters parts.

There is a nice underlying theme which The Dark Knight addressed of whether superheroes would exist without villains and how they need each other to survive. The point although very good is never explored and i cant help but thinking if a bunch of brain dead writers and animators had spent more time on this than writing set pieces to fit AC/DC to we would have had a better film. Now i love a bit of old AC/DC but lets not just chuck them into any film because we can....why do animated films need musical numbers to survive? And i don't mean the fantastic Disney style musical numbers i mean taking a pre existing hit and just beating the little CGI fuckers of characters into singing it. Shrek I'm looking at you ya big dumb sell out ogre!!

So a film about the need for superheroes and villain and questioning do we need one without the other. This has been done far better before in the Incredibles. I adore the incredible and anyone who thinks it was so so i urge you to sit down and watch it again. Fantastic animation, good story and plenty of nods of the hat (not ripping off) of classics.



Overall

Meh. Some funny part with some nice animation but like most 3D animation these days it relies on mimicking pop culture instead or referencing it. Voice acting is very dodgy in places. You will chuckle but most likely not re-watch it as much as anything from the pixar/disney collection.

2/5

The Girl Who Played With Fire - Movie No. 14

The Girl who played with fire

Director: Daniel Alfredson

Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist and Lena Endre

Year: 2009

Watched: 12/1/11

What the Fudge is it?

Lisbeth is a spunky bisexual hacker. Blomkvist is a disgruntled editor. Together they solve shit. The 2nd film of 3. After a young journalist gets murdered for trying to expose a sex trafficking operation Lisbeth becomes the prime suspect. Blomkvist and Salander search for the truth and try to clear her name. Also contains a big unstoppable blond bastard!

What I Thought.....

My fist encounter of this film wasn't the best.....I had just finished watching The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on Bluray, bored and wide awake I decided to browse the special features. There was a sneak peak of the second installment. After watching it I was dumbfounded at how cheap the whole thing looked, the lighting, sets and even sound were like something from an ITV drama/series. Thankfully the finished film is a lot better than Crossroads or some other shite of that nature.

Ok so before I type on I should probably say that I loved The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo. I thought it was brilliant, a proper edge of your seat thriller with a weird Thomas Harris spin to it.

The girl who burnt her bit or the girl who played with fire picks up around a year after the first film (i'm not too sure so anyone who wants to correct me can just jog on). Lisbeth is abroad living a rather lavish lifestyle and getting a tan, lets face it she needed it. As a pale person I feel I can say this that woman looked sick. Blomkvist is still working at millennium doing his thing.

A new young fresh faced dude comes to millennium with a story on sex trafficing and prostitution, how can they refuse? To make the story even sweeter it implements many high powered people. I'm not causing a spoiler by saying that this dude does not make it to the 2nd reel of film. Sadly the little fresh faced fudger bites the dust. Who is the suspect for the murder? none other than the most unlucky bisexual hacker of all time (lisbeth Salander).

What follows is really two seperate investgations, we see Lisbeth on the outside of the law following up leads and clue which Blomkvist investigates the suspects of the sex trafficing to try and find the truth.

My only problem with the film is the distance between Lisbeth and Blomkvist. For me one of the best bits of the first film were the scenes with the two of them in it. This movie does a great job of showing the two working separately but I kind of missed that awkward tension and mutual respect between the two that I grew to love in the first film.

Thankfully the whole film looked and felt more expensive that the preview scene I saw at 4.3o in the morning. There are some great set pieces, my god am I at the stage where I use phrases like set pieces?.... fuck this is worrying. Anyway there are some great scenes with Lisbeth interrogating men, a burning barn and dig your own grave moment.

One new main character is very similar to a big bad guy you would find in a bond movie. He is virtually unstoppable and can't feel pain. Although far fetched the big brute is fantastic to watch and you really end up hating him, he reminded me a lot of the T1000 from terminator 2, at no stage did he turn into liquid metal so please do not sit down expecting him to stab someone through a milk carton. Some of the new characters are slightly strange with a lesbian kick boxer springing to mind as one of the more ridiculous.

The film has tension and goes some way to explain further the past of Salander. Although this is interesting the tension never really reaches the kind seen in the basement scene from the first film. It was that silence of the lamb feel that i enjoyed so much about the first and ya get to see little shades of that in this installment.

Overall

Felt a little cheap in parts but still has some of the magic from the first. Good follow up to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo but it was missing a lot of the tension and mystery from the 1st. Still well worth a watch.....has got me looking forward to finishing the trilogy.

3/5

Love and Other Drugs - Movie No. 13

Love and Other Drugs

Director: Edward Zwick

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway and Judy Greer

Year: 2010

Watched: 10/1/11

What the Fudge is it?

Sexy Jake sells drugs to people using his sexy charm. He likes to get around and doesn't settle down with the ladies. Anne Hathaway is sick but still sexy and uses alot of medication, she doesn't like to get too attached to people. The two sexy mofos meet and all kinds of sexiness happens.

What I thought....

Haha you know what is amazing? After writing the review i went onto imdb to get some links to the director and actors pages and i read the synopsis from 20th century fox. Nearly spat my cordial everywhere. Here is it:

"Maggie (Hathaway) is an alluring free spirit who won't let anyone - or anything - tie her down. But she meets her match in Jamie (Gyllenhaal), whose relentless and nearly infallible charm serve him well with the ladies and in the cutthroat world of pharmaceutical sales. Maggie and Jamie's evolving relationship takes them both by surprise, as they find themselves under the influence of the ultimate drug: love."

I even read it in that cheesy voice....glad i found that because it kind of makes me feel better about the next bit i wrote.

I saw the trailer for this and wasn't too sure, bride wars had burnt me! i had lost my trust in chick flicks.....but in all honesty you know what? i love a good chick flick! come from many many years of seeing terrible freddy jr. films. I have a fantastic ability to switch off and become more camp and feminine for 2 hours at a time.

So the trailer made this look a little like a run of the mill chick flick with Chesty Jake and Anne Hateclothes. Its a total mis advertisement. What i went to see instead was a weird hybrid of a film. Part making comments on the nature of the pharmaceutical business, part sexy antics with Jake and Anne and part depressing story about the idea of being alone through choice and all kinds of dark things that were not shown to be in the advert!

Alot of the start of the film is spent showing the development of Chesty Jakes character from HiFi sales man to flogging anti depressants to doctors. We are shown a slightly Thank you for smoking character who does a job which is totally bankrupt. This guy is swine and how does he do it? through charm and sex appeal. The character of Chesty Jake reminded me a lot of Aaron Eckhart (prob spelt wrong) from Thank you for Smoking mixed with Silver Fox George Clooney from up in the air. Both of which i thought were great films and great characters.

Hathway is great playing the free spirited (hate that term) hottie. She manages to flip from sexy and strong to venruable and more or less dying (im not spoiling anything here).

The film has a weird pace to it and is pulling in loads of different directions. One one side we have a traditional rom com about a couple meeting and getting it on despite their life style choices and personalities objecting to it. Then we have a commentary on the nature of medicine sales and representatives in america. Then in the final third we have a pretty emotional look at the sacrafices people make to care for their loved ones with a long term illness. It shouldn't have worked and for alot of people im guessing it didn't! but for me it definitely did. I bought the rom com cheesy shite with all the fantastic nakedness from Jake and Anne (seriously these two have the most fantastic looking sex since 9 1/2 weeks). I loved the look into the life of a medical rep more or less deciding people futures all for money, their relationships with doctors and just how impersonal and seedy it all is. And......i welcomed the more serious and to be honest faily depressing final act.

Overall

Funny is alot of parts with a weird darker tone towards the end of the film. The bits of cheesiness mostly worked (just about) for me but everything else definitely did. I could watch Chesty Jake and Anne HateClothes make love all day long. A really nice change from all out shite comedies and over the top point making films. Great!!! just like Annes Cans!

4/5

Legendary - Movie No. 12

Legendary

Director: Mel Damski

Starring: John Cena, Patricia Clarkson and Danny Glover

Year: 2010

Watched: 9/1/11

What the fudge is it.....

Big John Cena is a bad bad man (yes thats a reference to his album). He used to be a wrestling champ with hopes and dreams now he just has sex with skanky women and lives in a trailer. Meanwhile his genetically opposite younger brother wants to take up wrestling.....will his estranged older brother help the little weed and maybe, just maybe form a relationship. Danny Glover fishes while this all goes down.

What I thought...

Im a massive wrestling fan and i think anyone who knows me is well aware of this disability. First off i know that no wrestler will win an Oscar and i know that wrestling is "fake". i can accept the no Oscars for HHH and stone cold but the fake one does annoy me sometimes. People almost say it as if it is some massive revolation! Like they being far more educated than me have stumbled across this fantastic nugget of knowledge. i mean are they saying that the undertaker hasnt come back from the dead around 12 times? Did triple h really not break into randy ortons house and kick the shit into him? Is vince Mc mahon really not in a coma?

Wrestling is scripted just like every other TV show. i never walk up to someone and say "you know east enders is fake!". To do so would be retarded. Think of the amount of ground breaking announcements i could make. The island on lost is made up. The dream in Dallas was all bullshit. Tony soprano isnt a real gangster. The thing i like about wrestling is when it is done properly it is story telling, instead of props and dialogue the crazy fools use their bodies. The bumps hurt and the amount of abuse they guys take is unbelievable. To call it fake would imply that the wrestlers were CGI. Naaaaa that guy did just fall off a ladder onto a table.

So next time you feel like telling someone wrestling is fake just think for a second and realize your being a tool bag. Better yet get in a ring and take a few bumps and see how fake it feels. Its by no means the best acted or most classy form of entertainment but to each their own.....if you dont like it i'll sweet chin ya.

I forgot about the film....

The film does feel like a TV movie the whole way through. This is mainly down to the lighting and production but it also has one of those stories. Those honky stories that my mother (Mrs McGrory to all you) enjoys watching on the hallmark channel.

Cena is hard to take as a darker character this is probably because most of the time i see him he is being cheesy and lifting big sweaty men over his head. He does show that he can get by in the acting department. The man will never win the Oscar but he is decent enough for someone the width of a bus with a neck like a tree trunk. if you look at the Marine to this is obvious he is learning something! Lets face it WWE can churn out action film stars aka Big bastard who can say lines and i am sticking by the condemned it was a good film!

(Who needs to act like Marlon Brando when you have bling like that)

Devon Graye plays Cal. A young dude who is around 6 stone ringing wet. His brother was a wrestler and his father was a wrestler and now he......plays with catfish! But not for long as he soon realises that rolling around a mat with sweaty dudes is much more fun. The relationship between Cal, his mother and Big John Cena is a difficult one. Cal hopes that through the wonder of jock straps and grappling they can all just get along.

The scenes with Cena and Graye are really good there is a definite chemistry there and we see Cena become more likeably as the film goes along. The training scenes are done well with the usual beauty of a montage (even rocky had a montage). The one big area that really let me down was the wrestling matches. Raging bull made Jake feel alone, Rocky made us feel every punch and the fighter gave that real PPV feel. Legendary as a wrestling film fails to make the wrestling the best bit! Its crazy to think that a film about wrestling with a massive pro wresling star would drop the ball on something so important but it does. The matches feel too fast and its almost as if the film makers assume everyone has a great knowledge of mat wrestling.

Danny Glover! Seriously he is int he film! Not for long but he is in there.....his character is terrible with a pathetic set up. Never explored and i actually forgot that the man who was too old for that shit was still in the film. I literally thought he got too old for that shit and died during shooting. In the last reel we see glover and there is a great reveal as to why the character is so important. Balls to that and for the second time in my life im saying i was disappointed in Danny Glover (predator 2 was the first)

Overall

Not as bad as watching promos on TNA. Cena is beginning to act a little which is nice to see. The wrestling is never shown as well as it could have been. Very hallmark and totally a TV movie but the big wrestling fan inside me enjoyed watching Cena teach a young skinny pup how to grapple men (wow that sounds wrong).

2/5

Its Kind Of A Funny Story - Movie No. 11

Its Kind Of A Funny Story

Directed: Anna Boden, Ryan Fleck
Starring: Keir Gilchrist, Zach Galifianakis and Emma Roberts
Year: 2010
Watched: 8/1/11

What the Fudge is it?

A depressed teenage dude checks himself into a psych ward after feeling suicidal. Once in the nut house he makes all kind of weird and wonderful friends while learning that he probably isn't that depressed..and isn't half as crazy as other folk.

What i thought...

Uggghhh well past bedtime on a week night so i am gonna type and what comes out comes out...spellers of the world beware!!

Got to admit i ended up going to this because another showing was sold out. All i knew walking in the door was that a little weedy kid felt really depressed, checked into a psych ward and met the hairy dude from the handover. I was sold from the get go as daft as it sounds. I like Zach unspellable as i will call him from now on. Although he seems to be getting a little backlash since the hangover. Why is this? because obviously if he is in a film which loads of people like and find funny then the true comedy fans and film fans should stop liking him. Pile of shite! Its a separate rant for another day but a regular occurrence that once someone or something becomes big for the reason small amounts of people liked it those people suddenly stop liking it. Happens with music, films, games....everything down to smelling your own socks when you take them off. Maybe not the last one but i stand by it!

Anyway we meet Craig as he decides to try and kill himself. Shortly afterwards he checks himself into a psych ward and begins to meet the occupants and learn more about them. From the get go the comedy is that awkward slightly dark humor that you see in a serious man or thank you for smoking.....it deals with a serious matter but you laugh your way through it. instead of selling lies to make people die or divorce and searching for faith the topic this time is teen depression and feeling alone etc.

I think the film deals with its topics well and touches on the balance thats seen it the grown up version one flew over a cuckoos nest. Never reaching the heights of Jacks performance Keir Gilchrist put in a great performance as the troubled teen. This is by no means a cuckoo nest but i dont think it tries to be, to do so would be stupid. Instead it seems to be a film about a teenager who simple has trouble dealing with the day to day problems like girls, friends, distant father and family expectations. In fact one of the most interesting things about the film is the little love triangle that Craig finds himself in with a girl outside and one on the inside.

Zach unspellable is great as an older patient Bobby who seems the most sane out of everyone. The scenes with Boddy and Craig are great and act as a younger and older conversation of the same person. Bobbys characters isnt shown or explored as much as you would like but when he is serious he is good and when he is funny you will probably laugh.

The film juggles the quirky and serious very well for most of the film but verges on too much indy for little segments. A musical number featuring queen in the musical therapy session is funny but i could see why the quirkiness might be too much for a more disgruntled viewer (and im plenty disgruntled)

There are some great performance from the mother, father and little sister. Jim Gaffigan is great as a slightly clueless and distracted father and Lauren Graham shows that gilmore girls was just an elaborate bet that got out of hand and she actually can act and do comedy well. Emma Roberts plays a little emo love interest who is actually quite sweet...again some scenes teeter on being almost too quirky but for the most part it hold it together. Although Craigs bout of depression seems very light hearted and short i think the film has a message about teenagers and their worries and fears. Craig almost seems to realize that his problems are fairly small compared to other patients.

Overall

Great film, check your disgruntled face at the door and sit back and enjoy the quirky youthfulness of it all (i know it is hard, those pesky kids with their hair and their hormones!!!). Reminded me of Garden State which i thought wasn't a bad thing. Depression has never been so light hearted and funny.

4/5

Four Eyed Monsters - Movie No. 10

Four Eyed Monsters

Director: Susan Buice, Arin Crumley

Starring: Susan Buice, Arin Crumley

Year: 2005

Watched: 8/1/11

What the Fudge is it?

Arin is a film maker (thinks he is) Susan is an artist (thinks she is) both sturggle to fit into normal society and have relationships (no suprise! as they are asses!). Together they create an alternative to the traditional way of dating and a shite film in the process.

What I Thought...

I hated this so much i am not even going to spell check the review.....hope the grammar is all over the shop just like the film.

I think i found this film on quicktime trailers. For some crazy reason i made a note of the name and thought "that could be worth a watch". I dont drink or do drugs so this was clearly a moment of madness!

I have done this review backwards by writing the overall section first. The reason for this was i was so annoyed and rant filled i thought it best to get it out of my system. I fear the little ranting monster may return as i keep writing.

The film opens with some nice shots of busy street and we soon learn that the four eyed monsters refers to couples, i was thinking we had a good start here! As soon as we are introduced to the main character it all goes down hill. No one in this film i likable! No one!! if you can relate to these people then im sorry your a tit! and that isn't me being a pretentious twat and thinking because people aren't like me they are asses. No i am basing this on the general facts of life that occasionally you run into people so annoying that you wanna punch their faces! or kick then right in the shin and say "wise up! you cocky cock!"

Arin is a film maker! is he fuck! he made this film which is the most up itself, tripe, pretencious piece of crap i ever had the displeasure of watching! There is a flaw with a film where one character is a film maker and cant make films and the other is an artist and cant fucking draw. There is no art or filmmaking in this film it is dribble! Self indulgent dribble from two little weirdos that want to say "we are artists" and "we make films". No you dont!

(They could be lovely people in real life but wow this film really grinded my gears)

This is trying so hard to be different it turns out to be like every other piece of shite that two untalented people would call a film. Anyone can make a film right? yeah they can! thats whats fantastic about film making all you need is a camera and some editing software. I look forward to the day when games are the same, we are slowly getting to the stage where anyone can make a game! Doesnt mean everyone should!

Fuck im ranting again....so Arin meets Susan through some online bullshit and they decide to meet up. They come up with the idea of an anti date. Yeah i just wrote that....an anti date! They are sooooo coool and alternative and non conformist that they can communicate like normal people sop they have an anti date. ARRRGGHHHH its just tough to watch two people plaster how different they are on screen with so little talent. Anyway their shite little pathetic relationship develops and one of they gets and STI. i thought "fucking brilliant, you deserved that!" This is the only good section of the film!

Script is turd, acting is tripe, directing is dribble! They are not film makers or artists or people who should be given any attention! The kind of little weirdos that you may have the bad luck of meeting at some social gathering in your life. If you do tell them...they are not special and never ever try to make a film or artwork!

Overall

I feel my rant was so huge that i will find it hard to review this film so i am writing the overall section first. Total turd of the highest caliber, I hate arty cocks! I love arty people the kind you meet and you eventually find out that they love films or art or books. Not the kind of pompus little shitbag that ram it down your throat. I can make a film about being a cock, its fucking easy!!! I will walk around and talk about what it is like to be unique and alternative and outside the circle while. By making my film like every other little shit bag who thinks they are an artist I will therefore cease to be alternative or arty or edgy and remain a little fuck dog of an emo. The people who made this film are probably really nice but the film is total turd! Just hard to watch and badly written and dribble!! Bride wars is a total classic compared to this shite, this absolute shite!!

It hurt, they suck, fuck off, dont watch!!!!

I refuse to score this crap. Not even a comedy score....

The film is here if anyone wants to feel my pain....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8rRFFi_stY

The Next 3 Days - Movie No. 9

The Next 3 Days

Director: Paul HaggisStarring: Russell Crowe, Elizabeth Banks and Liam Neeson
Year: 2010
Watched: 7/1/11

What the Fudge is it?
Lara Brennan is arrested for the murder of her boss. With no evidence to prove her innocent she is locked in prison to rot like the dirty yummy mummy murderer she is. Her husband (Big Russell) is left pleading her case on the outside. After several years appealing the decision Big Russell decides to go all Michael Scofiled on the situation and break her out......without the use of tattooes

What iI thought...

Ahh big Russell I just don't know what to do with you. One minute your making romper stomper in which you are amazing then your in Robin Hood with an accent so dodgy it causes you to explode in interviews. Your fat then your thin its just hard to keep track of it and i think its taking a toll on our relationship. Robin Hood aside you can make a good film so i walked into The Next 3 Days hoping for something good.

The film introduces us to Big Russell and his wife having dinner with Johns (Big Rus) brother and his new girlfriend. A big argument erupts between the two ladies and the dinner ends. In the opening 10 minutes or so it is rammed down out throat how much in love Lara and John are. How do we do this? Make them act like a bunch of horny little teenagers and get them to strip each other clothes off at any opportunity. I mean if you have a kid the only way you could possible love your partner is if you act like a horny emo couple in the back row of a cinema every 10 minutes.

On that note i have had some terrible cinema experiences recently! If your gonna eat in the cinema keep it down. Dont fucking slop it into you like your paris hilton and its a vat of man juice. Turn off your fucking phone! even if you have it on silent why the fuck do you need to take it out of your pocket and light the whole place up? No one wants to contact you so bad that you need it on! Your watching a film ya daft shite! People should be shot! Like a little knee shot or foot just to let them know that it isnt ok to eat loudly, talk, laugh like a RE-tard, look at your phone, tweet or generally act like you have been raised by a pack of alcoholic retarded chavs!

Ok back to big russ and the search for freedom....

We hear of an argument that took place between Lara and her boss and to be honest even from the short opening of the film I thought "his wife is a bit of a dick!". There is something unlikable about this woman. She, despite the efforts of Elizabeth Banks seems cold and a bit of a bitch. I just thought to myself we should let the miserable cow rot in jail. Big Russ could run off with Olivia Wilde and live happily ever after on the grid...

With several years (or was it months) of her sentence being served we begin to see the affects of being a single father taking its toll on John. Russell Crowe is great in the film he is pretty believable as a maths teacher who is pushed to the edge. It is only when the absence of his wife begins to be too much that the film steps it up a gear.

Of course being a maths teacher he has no knowledge of how to break someone out of prison. So he consults youtube. Naaa first off he researches who would know how to break out of prison and finds Damon Pennington who is played by none other than Liam Neeson. The big irish man plays the part well as an accomplished escapee, scars accent and distant stare all the things you want from a hardened criminal. The only downfall is that the character pops in and out quicker than the afore mentioned emo teens sexual exploits.

Now the film becomes interesting with John preparing a prison escape. Cue decorating the wall of your house with maps and pictures and notes! If i was going to plan a prison escape i would do exactly the same, tattoos are so last year. John is at the end of the day an academic so everything is played out with a more educated approach. There is one very funny theme which keeps popping up. If John doesnt know how to do something he consults.....youtube! Although realistic in todays society (i once used youtube to learn how to tie a proper tie) it is a little daft. What ever happened to heading off to a darkened library and therefore leaving a book record that the cops could follow.


Overall

Meh....its ok in part but waiting for the break is a little. Big Russell is very good and so it Big Liam although he isnt in it enough. Run of the mill prison drama with a few turns here and there much like Law Abiding Spartan.

Note: Totally disgusted by the lack of Olivia Wilde who seems to be badly composited in some shots! Yes i was still recovering from my nerdfest that was tron but some bastard made me think she was going to be in it. Instead she feature in a wet fart of a storyline that barely leaves a steak mark on the boxers of the film!

2/5 (was going to be 3/5 but remembered the lack of Olivia)

The X Files: I want to believe - Movie No. 8

The X Files: I want to believe

Director: Chris Carter

Starring: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson and Billy Connolly

Year: 2009

Watched: 6/1/11

What the fudge is it?

Mulder and Scully are asked back to the FBI when a paedo psychic priest (no joke!) begins to see visions relating to a kidnapping (not that kind of kid).

What I Thought...

I loved the X Files series when i was growing up it had all the creepiness of an conspiracy theory show mixed with a weird monster element. Its a good show when you can remember the individual episode names aswell as the plots. The show had a great ability to do whatever it wanted and just play it all off as X Files. You can go from Tooms to Home and both work just fine. It must have been a tough choice when making the second movie. Do we go with aliens? Monster/mutations?

Well the answer is neither.....lets go with religion! Yeah thats a good one because there is all kinds of dark shit in the bible and you can link in cults and stuff. This is gonna be great! Na fuck all that lets just get a priest who is psychic!

A priest thats psychic? Ok thats a bit weird but i though this could work......Lets make him a paedophile too! im sorry thats just stupid! out of all the stories and characters they could have used they went for:

A. Priest

B. Psychic

C. Paedo (as if the poor bastard didnt have enough going on)

The only way the character could be any more ridiculous would be if he had one eye, a lisp, crabs and bad breath!

So bad character aside we drop in on a case involving a kidnapping, the only leads to date are the visions of Fr. Touch the Boys played by Billy Connelly (swear im not making this stuff up). Scully now works at a catholic hospital (really?!?) and Mulder is hiding in a room growing his beard and decorating the place in newspaper clippings. After being approached by Xzibit (seriously) Scully recruits Mulder to work on the case.

What follows is pretty boring....after the inital thrill of seeing Mulder and Scully on screen

together and playing off eachother the story just gets dull. Billy Connelly is daft! I started laughing when he had visions causing his eyes to bleed! Proper girly giggling as i drank my tea in bed.

David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson slip back into the roles with ease. I'm so used to seeing Duchovny playing the walking hard on that is hank moody i was worried that he wouldn't be Mulder again. i thought he would be some weird combination of the two. A drunk, horny, writer with a fetish for aliens......this wasn't the case.

There are little sections that are nice. We see the usual paranoia of Mulder coming through but it is short lived. Scully wrestles with religion Vs. Science but the whole scenario in which this happens is dumb. There is a great appearance from Walter Skinner () but even with this the daft story is just too much!

Somewhere in the middle is one of the most stupid in jokes ever seen. People might see the X Files as cheap, nerdy, paranoid geeky porn and the following clip may have proved those people right. In jokes are good and the X Files always had some tongue and cheek with its conspiracy theory but this takes the piss. Dumb and Cheap like most of the film!

To top it all off after the credit there is the worst! and i mean the worst piece of extra footage! i waited for ages after iron man 2 to see a hammer in the middle of nowhere but if i had of waited for this i would probably have cried.

Overall

A TV movie at best. The plot is just stupid and lacks all the things that made the X Files so good. Fr. Touch the boys is just the worst character i've seen in the X Files. Mulder and Scully are good but even they couldn't save the movie.

2/5

The Way Back - Movie No. 7

The Way Back

Director: Peter Weir
Starring: Jim Sturgess, Ed Harris and Colin Farrell
Year: 2010
Watched: 6/1/11

What the fudge is it?

A not so merry band of Siberian gulag escapees go for a massive trek over 4000 miles to India with not a Burger King or Little Chef in sight.

What i thought...

I don't like the idea of walking to the local shop let alone from siberia to india.

The way back or as it should be titled the very fucking long way back tells the story of a group of escapees and their journey as they flee a gulag labour camp. The film introduces us to Janusz (Sturgess) during his interrogation. We see him wrongly imprisoned and follow his journey to freedom.

Mark strong makes a short but memorable appearance, like most of his performances he is great and its just a shame that he wasn't in it for longer. Looking back the character has no real impact on the story but to serve as a warning to Janusz.

Sturgess is great and to be honest i didn't even recognize him. I rather stupidly assumed he was some good foreign actor not the guy from 21 and across the universe. He handles the accent and dialog perfectly and is the driving force behind the film.

Although Sturgess is fantastic for me the show belongs to Ed Harris and Colin Farrell. Farrell plays the what could best be described as the fucked up, drunk, sadistic Russian. i'm pretty sure thats what they wrote in the script. Much of the conflict and distrust within the group of runaways come from Farrells character. In my eyes the guy can do no wrong just like London "Cockney Monkey" Boulevard and Ondine he shows another side to himself. The accent works and the bastard has the craziest look in his eyes the whole way, the look id imagine Farrell used to dawn when on a bender.

Ed Harris plays the worn down american pilgrim, within the prison he portrayed the strong experienced prisioner who kept his head down and knew how to survive. On the outside we see an old weathered man, Harris has a face that resembles a desert this is not a bad thing as the toil and fatigue of the journey is perfectly represented by Harris. Mr Smith (Ed Harris) was the one character that i really cared about. Much like the main character in the Road he flicks between being a strong survivalist and needing the help of others.

With very little time spent on the actual escaping the majority of the film plays out like a road more of the more bleak nature. More like the road than sex drive or road trip. We see the group progress across the cruel landscape surviving on next to nothing.

Along the way the group encounter Saoirse Ronans character who acts as a nice in between the males of the group. It is through the young girl that we find out more about the group. The relationship between Irena and the pilgrim (Ed Harris) character is one of the most interesting of the film and the two are fantastic on screen together.

If the film has one major downfall its that you very rarely feel worried for the group. This is not to say that people dont die, the fantastic looking shots of landscapes and scenery distance us from the people. The group seem to go from one cliche event to the next and the dread of death never seems to really sink in. Maybe i am a cold bastard but i sat and thought "wow this is impressive" instead of "fuck i hope they all make it".

This review is wandering and rambling along like the movie. I definitely enjoyed it but it is slow in parts and a lot to watch. Everything looks brilliant and it has some fantastic performance from Colin Farrell, Ed Harris and Jim Sturgess


Overall
Good to watch for just the once me thinks! Some great performance with Colin Farrell and Ed Harris standing out. The film seems to plod from cliche to cliche and never really grips you in or makes you feel completely worried for the characters.

3.5/5

127 Hours - Movie No. 6

127 Hours

Director: Danny Boyle

Starring: James Franco , Massive Rock

Year: 2010

Watched: 5/1/11

What the fudge is it?

127 hours is the true story of Aron Ralstons. While canyoneering on his own he gets trapped under a boulder. With his arm trapped Aron spends the next 5 days trying to find a way free. With water and food running out Aron resorts to desperate measures. James Franco Vs. Big Rock! FIGHT!

What I Thought...

Before i begin i just wanted to write that i didn't understand the hype surrounding Slumdog Millionaire. Sure it was a good film but for me it wasn't as good as 28 days later, trainspotting or even the beach. Yeah i enjoyed the beach!

I think everyone will find i hard to walk into this film and not know of the outcome. Its just one of those films.....going into Titanic i had a fair idea that the big boat was gonna go down. So with 127 hours i knew the ending i was more interested in how we were going to get there and if the horrible incident would be as horrible as everyone was making out.

The film opens with a trade mark Danny Boylefest of colours and music, the editing is great, fast paced and exciting to watch. We see Arin get ready for a weekend away canyoneering together with shots of busy streets. It almost has a comic book feel with the split screen effect.

We see Arin start his adventure on bikes before wiping out.....what does he do? Takes a picture of course. This is the type of character we are dealing with....to be honest a douche! The type of guy you meet at a party, after listening to how extreme and awesome his adventures are and how many chicks he pulls. After walking away from the party you think "what a tit!" or something like "Hope he gets stuck under a boulder!". Naa you would say that but you would think eventually his cockyness will catch up with him and......it does.

James Franco is fantastic, i think he is great and has the ability to handle stoner humor or more serious roles. We see Arin go from a cocky and often annoying prat to a vulnerable, weak and regret filled human being. Once stuck under the big bad rock Arin uses his video camera to document himself. It is through the camera that we see Franco properly show off. The cock annoying cheese is worn away and we just see a regular guy that is stuck with a big ass rock on his arm!

As starvation and dehydration sets in we see Arin have visions and dreams, the mixture of flashbacks and hallucinations show the regrets and hopes of the douche trapped under the rock. Some of these are done brilliant and resemble scenes from trainspotting and the beach.

Its a hard subject, how do you make a man stuck in one place interesting. Buried managed to do it by having external phone call but for Arin there are not many external forces to move the story along everything the story involves is stuck in the same hole. The film just about manages to keep the pace up throughout. Between the serious moments we get little flashes of humor.

When the gruesome scene eventually arrives it is handled very well. The act is quick and frenzied. The effects look realistic and the camera dwells more on the expression and actions of Arin rather than the chopped off arm. The film reminded me alot of Alive, most of the frenzy surrounding the film involves an act which the director doesn't see as the focus.

What we see instead of a dude chopping off his arm is the story of a character being pushed to the edge and the determination and guts required to survive. Behind all the cockyness is a normal man with regrets, hope and fears and Danny Boyle focuses on this instead of making "the buthers guide to arm removal".

Overall

Brilliantly made and great to watch. A fantastic story about how far someone will go to survive. Great performance from James Franco and Danny Boyle shows he can make a great film about a dude stuck under a rock.

4/5

Bride Wars - Movie No. 5

Bride Wars

Director: The Devil

Starring: The Devil

Year: 666 (2009)

Watched: 4/1/11

What the fudge is it?

Two obviously unhinged crazy bitches become even more crazy when their weddings fall on the same day. Its every unfunny bride for themselves as the brides go about sabotaging eachothers weddings. Cue audience puking and eye gouging!

What i Thought...

I am a massive Mark Kermode fan. I listen to the podcast weekly and i am in the middle of reading his book. Now what i like about Kermode is i dont always agree with him, loads of films i love he slates and loads he enjoys (twilight) i cant stand. Now Mark Kermode declared this one of the worst films of the year and possibly ever! I just had to watch it!

I sat down to watch Bride Wars thinking......

"It isnt as bad as Kermode made out"

"I bet is decent enough"

"Worst come to the worst Anne Hathaway will keep me entertained"

Licking poop off a public toilet seat while doing an Irish essay would have been more entertaining than this film! And before anyone thinks of a witty response to that i hate licking poop and Irish! So far i think i have kept the swearing and insulting to a minimum, i am now sorry as this film may have woken the sleeping C*$T within me.

I dont think the idea itself is to blame. Everyone know that Brides can get a little crazy trying to organise the perfect day. Wedding humor has been done loads before and worked (four weddings and a funeral, my best friends wedding, the wedding singer, father of the bride)

I'm sorry but even the wedding planner and bride of Chucky were passable. I take that back Bride of Chucky is the Citizen Kane of the wedding genre compared to Bride Wars! Chucky would take the Oscar for best performance in a wedding themed comedy over Hudson and Hathaway any day.

I like Anne Hathaway and i like Kate Hudson. Should i blame them for the torture that was watching this film? i dont know....Should i blame the director? i dont know.....Writers?.....i dont know.

It is hard to find the words to describe how bad this film is. I can take bad. Bad with some ok joke is still watchable. This is just lazy and boring and immature. Not immature in a Jackass way just in the way when a little shit head of a kid does something immature you just shake your head and cant even come up with a response. That level of immaturity that only provokes disappointment and pity!

The film plays out with the two stupid bitches trying to one up each other and secure the hotel, cake, etc, etc for their big day. The pranks between the two are just terrible. Kate Hudson messes with Anne Hathaways tan resulting in her looking like a massive umpa lumpa while Hathaway sends Hudson chocolate and cake so she will get fat and not fit into her vera wang! Chocolate, Cake and fake tan!!! thats fucking it!! Kevin McCallister would laugh his ass off at the shit attempts of these ladies!

Then there is the dialogue in this big ball of pants. The dialogue could have been written by a 12 year old girl on a mobile phone. One scene sees the two throwing insults at eachother:

"Your wedding can suck it"

"If i were your wedding, I'd be sleeping with one eye open..."

"Your wedding is gonna be huge, like your ass at prom"

Thats the level of comedy and intelligence in this film! Total turd! At least a turd brings with it relief! Avoid this film like the plague. It has nothing to offer, terrible performances, terrible comedy actually no comedy.

Now anyone who likes this film. Take a long hard look at yourself because you are wrong. I know everyone has their own opinion and i am wrong about so many things but this time i am right. if you like this film you need help! real help! because what you think is funny and entertaining is torture! and that is sick. People who like hostel and saw are beautiful people compared to you. Don't try and argue because you are wrong! Wise up and get help!

Overall

The devil is present in this film! Evil shite of the worst kind!

-5/5

John Tucker Must Die - Movie No. 4

John Tucker Must Die

Director: Betty Thomas

Starring: Jesse Metcalfe, Ashanti and Arielle Kebbel

Year: 2006

Watched: 4/1/11

What the fudge is it?

John tucker is a sexy, tanned, sexy, tanned, sexy sexy jock who loves nothing more than having loads of girlfriends. Three of his ex girlfriends team up with the new girl to break the bastards heart. All kinds of man hating madness ensues!! Hooray for women!! Death to all men!!

What I Thought...

With my balls and reputation firmly checked at the door i sat down to watch John Tucker Must Die or as i would like to call it DEATH TO ALL MEN!!

Set in a highschool which only seems to have basketball players, cheerleaders, vegans and sluts we find John Tucker or as he should be referred to Male Fucker! John is playing more ladies than games of basketball before he finally gets caught. The film has a fantastic heart warming message showing us that wronged women can find hope, friendship and forgiveness in each other.

Naa it shows us that if it is anything that will bring women together it is the hatred of a man! a dirty man! with his good looks and testosterone!! God men are pricks!!

The film has a few decent gags one of which includes the witches replacing Johns bulk up supplements with female hormones. The result isnt as funny as Kevin Nash in the longest yard but i did chuckle. The film plays out like almost every other teen comedy with the edgy alternative love interest getting shunned until the final reel. The new girl in town is stunning and unpopular before she gets reinvented and then suddenly everyone notices that this girl is hot! How stupid and annoying freddy prince did this ages ago!! The man was ahead of the game!

Totally predictable the whole way. Im not gonna lie...the women in the film were really hot although i am not buying sophia bush as a vegan who happens to be a slut. Why the hell is the character a vegan?!? I swear this is something to do with equality and diversity because it doesnt factor into the story at all. She does however lose a skirt and have a lesbian kiss all in 10 minutes!

Admittedly it wasn't good but it wasn't the worst of its kind. A few laughs and enough eye candy to keep any man who has to watch it. i had expected a disaster, the balance between love stories and comedy is done much better in films like 10 things i hate about you.

Overall

I am ashamed i watched it and didnt hate it. Not an origional film and not an overly funny one. Bit ironic that the shallow slutty male side of me kept my interest in the film as that is the thing it tried so hard to achieve revenge on. Soundtrack is pretty good and Jesse Mercalfe showed he can play a hot womaniser which is totally different from his role on desperate housewives of the hot gardener. Great to see Jenny Mac Carthy in anything, she plays the unpopular girls hot cougar mom who has had a bad run of boyfriends (as if that would happen! Im look at you Jim Carrey!!)

(Is there a need for a picture of Jenny McCarthy? Hell yes!!)

Remember....Horray for Women! Death to all men!!

2/5

Stuart: A Life Backwards - Movie No. 3

Stuart: A Life Backwards

Director: David Attwood

Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hardy and Nicola Duffett

Year: 2007

Watched: 3/1/11

What the fudge is it?

The story of an author (Alexander) who befriends a homeless man named Stuart. As the two become closer Alexander begins to write a book based on the traumatic life of Stuart. As Stuart recalls the events of his life we begin to learn how and why he got so out of control.

What I Thought...

I was given this film to watch at least over a year ago and like the stubborn lazy shite i am I didnt watch it. The poor homeless mans story lay on the DVD shelf. It then found a home in another house where it stayed on the DVD shelf and finally moved to our new place where it lay on the shelf again. Thank god for the blog because now I have finally watched it and can avoid Matt (the owner of the DVD) asking me have i watched it yet.

The reason it took me so long to watch it was i knew for a fact it was going to be a little depressing. You can make a film about a homeless, alco, smackhead without it being depressing. I was right....but not totally.

The main reason i was given the film to watch was because i think Tom Hardy is a fantastic actor. I even liked him in Star Trek and i hate Star Trek. If there is a Trekkie reading this first off i hope i am spelling trekkie wrong to annoy you and secondly i dont like the show or the films really, bit boring and bit pants.

I was talking about Tom Hardy.....Tom Hardy plays Stuart, a homeless wreck who stumbles his way into a friendship with Alexander. Hardy is the source of all the humour and tragedy of this film. Anyone who has spoken to an alcoholic/homeless/drug user will instantly recognize how good Hardy is at playing the part. (I lived in Boro, don't question my interactions with the afore mentioned)

Hardy has the walk, talk and gestures of a wreck of a human and is fantastic to watch. For the majority of the film we see Stuart interact with Alexander (Benedict Cumberbatch). The scenes with the two are either ackward, sad or funny. Stuart decides to cook for Alexander (deep fried bacon sandwich followed but Corn beef curry) the whole scenes provides some valued comic relief.

It is hard for me to review this because I like making jokes and taking the piss but its not really something i can laugh about. The film is made for TV but looks and feels surprisingly good, by that i mean it doesn't look like something that has been filmed on a hand held camera. The lighting is not that of a movies for me feature either.

Although Hardy is brilliant the character often speaks so jarbled that you simply cant understand him. i know this is realistic but it is slightly annoying. The DVD didn't have subtitles so i just had to guess what he said. There are small sections when Stuart speaks in a very intelligent way and resembles the swagger of Jack Sparrow, these although they may be true just stuck out like a sore thumb.

The structure of the film keeps you guessing for the majority of what exactly happened Stuart during his childhood although the big reveal is not delivered as well as some of the other key moments. The majority of the film is great and i really enjoyed it.....

I do have one major complaint. Something that really grinded my gears. There are sections of the film with short animations. These may have been included to show a more childish/innocent side of the story or even to try and lighten the mood of the piece. For me they stuck out and just broke the mood of the film. The animation itself was ok but just didnt sit in with the film. I remember watching the body shocks documentary called the man who ate his lover. This included little sections of animation that were perfect for the mood of the show. They were just freaky and creeped me out. I think the idea behind the animations in Stuart: A life backwards was similar but it seems to fail. Not only do the animations not suit the film but they are used so sparatically they almost seem to belong to another film.

Overall

Really enjoyed the film. Tom Hardy is brilliant as always and the story is interesting, sad and even slightly uplifting at times. Suffers some a strange collection of animations that don't suit the movie.

4/5

For anyone interested in the man who ate his lover the link is here.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale - Movie No. 2

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Director: Jalmari Helander

Starring: Jorma Tommila, Onni Tommila and Peeter Jakobi

Year: 2010

Watched: 1/1/11

What the fudge is it?

Deep beneath a mountain in Finland Santa is buried (not like Ryan Reynolds) in a block of ice. A corporation sends a team of archaeologists to dig up the jolly old bastard. This is not the Coca-cola Santa....before you know it children start disappearing and all kinds of weird stuff begins to happen. A local group of hunters decide to take Santa hostage and sell him back to the corporation who began the dig but the Elves are not happy....

What i thought...

The movie acts as a prequel to 2 YouTube shorts, Rare exports and The Official Rare Exports inc Safety instructions. I decided to avoid the YouTube shorts until after seeing the video and i would recommend everyone to do the same.

So a horror film about Santa....you would think this could be dodgy, Jack Frost springs to mind. Anyone who has seen Jack Frost will remember the bath rape scene in which Jack Frost melts into the bath before becoming "Solid" again and having his way with the poor girl. Incase you havent seen it i have chucked it in here...Enjoy.

Do not worry Rare exports does not follow the same trashy road and is fantastic!

The film takes us to Finland in the days building up to Christmas. We learn of a corporations plan to big up the jolly big lad in time for Christmas. But something goes wrong....the dig team disappears, raindeer are found slaughtered and kids start going missing. One person seems to know what is going on. Pietari the son of one of the reindeer hunters has done his research and he knows that Santa is not a nice lad.

The whole film has a tense snowy feel to it which reminded of alot of the thing and let the right one in. There are few jumps but the scenes in which we see the group of hunters interrogate their captured santa are great. The tension and horror is spliced with dark humor throughout and the balance is spot on, i am still not sure if i watched a horror or a dark comedy. It did remind me of Gremlins which I love and would count it as one of my favorite Christmas films.

The film messes with the traditional view of Santa and mythology. Everything is given a dark twist and the main kid in the story even states the this "Is not the Coca-Cola Santa" that we all know and love. The idea of an old fat dude sneaking into your house no longer seems like a good thing. There are so many nice little touches and jokes throughout such as the pamphlet handed out to workers at the archeological dig to ensure that they all stay on the nice list and avoid pissing off the big man himself.

Pietari is without a doubt the star of the show, played by Omni Tomilla he is fantastic and offers alot of the comic relief.

Don't be fooled by his love for gingerbread. The man is hard as nails.

Everything about the little guys performance is great one minute he makes you feel sorry for him and his distant relationship with his dad. The next minute he has you laughing because he has taped padding to his ass incase Santa spanks him. in the final third of the film the little man turns into what can only be described as a tiny John McClane.

Overall:

If your a bit weird and count Gremlins or god forbid Jack Frost among your favorite Christmas films then this one is definitely for you. Thought it was great from start to finish. Still feels like a quirky dark short but with hoards of evil elves and a big ass Santa! As soon as you finish watching it get online and enjoy the shorts.

5/5

Links to YouTube shorts.

Rare Exports Inc.

Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions